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The Purple Dragon

Musings about life, as seen through my eyes…

To the Mom who Judged My Kid’s Clothes

The shallow walk among us! Just goes to show, money certainly doesn’t buy class! Great blog, Annimation Floe.

20160329_175012I went Winter shopping for the boys this weekend. Taking Monster with me, we made it an outing experience.

We compared jerseys to each other, commented on the colours and bought the ones he liked the most. Monster really enjoyed making decisions on his own items and seemed impressed with some of his new t-shirts with his favourite action figures.

While standing in the aisle at PnP to pay for some last minute groceries, I noticed you standing behind me with your teenage son and pre-schooler, staring at the parcel in my hand. I didn’t think to give it much thought and carried on chatting to Monster.

Your words at me were, “Winter shopping time, hey.” I smiled and nodded in response. She smiled back at me and remained silent. I turned back to Monster as he showed off his brand new cars to me.

The next thing you said…

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David Bowie And Thoughts On Life

As an avid fan for a few decades, I salute you Mr Bowie. RIP.

countingducks

As we all know, unless we are hiding in a cave somewhere pretending to be a pot of jam, David Bowie died recently. He was not, to be honest, my favourite musician of all time but I love some of his music and he was an undeniably talented man who interacted with the world around him almost until his last breath: something I admire deeply. He reminds me of the urgent, telling words of Dylan Thomas,

“Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

On many levels,  Bowie was a deeply private and unknowable character and his cremation pretty much took place in secret, and in as unmarked a manner as he could manage, but his desire to understand, create and communicate through music was undimmed almost until his last breath. He reminded…

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The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

 

Interesting! The definition of pathology is the inability to:
– consistently sustain positive change
– grow to any emotional/spiritual depth
and
– develop meaningful insight about how his or her behavior negatively effects others…

Ladywithatruck's Blog

I was reading posts on one of the many “victims of narcissistic abuse” support forums and one of the women posted this link.

I found it very therapeutic, because as much as I hate to admit it; I do feel it isn’t fair he’s gone off and found “happiness” and is giving her all the things I had asked for and he denied me.

I know in my logical mind he hasn’t changed, simply by the way he treats me and talks about me. If he had changed he wouldn’t be lying now. He would admit his mistakes instead of still blaming me for everything.

If he had changed he would be getting hold of his sister and apologizing and at the very least he would have gone to her when she tried to commit suicide.

Anyway, following is an article that really helped me deal with “the new girlfriend”…

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Warning: No One is Coming to Rescue You from Abandonment

I have accepted fear as a part of life – specifically the fear of change…. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says:  turn back.  ~Erica Jong

Emotional abandonment wounds are some of the most painful mental wounds to carry around. They can cause people to stay in unhealthy or hopeless relationships with unworthy or incompatible significant others.

Warning: No One is Coming to Rescue You from Abandonment

Finding Serenity

crying-baby1I have accepted fear as a part of life – specifically the fear of change…. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says:  turn back.  ~Erica Jong

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More inspiring words from “Life of Pi”

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“I grew weary of my situation, as pointless as the weather. But life would not leave me. The rest of this story is nothing but grief, ache and endurance. High calls low and low calls high. I tell you, if you were in such dire straits as I was, you too would elevate your thoughts. The lower you are, the higher your mind will want to soar.” ~ Yann Martel ~ Life of Pi.

Alcohol is not an excuse for bad behaviour

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The abuse of alcohol is rampant in modern society. Inebriation is often used as an excuse for bad behaviour; including physical and verbal abuse, destruction of property, adultery and promiscuity. Alcohol is also often associated with criminal behaviour.

Do you do things you feel you’d never do when sober? Do you blame your actions on “I’d had too much to drink”? Do you wake up with regrets and recriminations?

The bottom line is this. Alcohol does not change your personality or your ideas; all it does is enhance just exactly who you really are by removing the inhibitions that would normally hold you back.

If you are capable of doing something while drunk, then you are more than capable of the same act without the use of alcohol.

Some people are problem drinkers without being dependent on alcohol. If you consume alcohol to cope with difficulties or to avoid your feelings, you’re in potentially dangerous territory. You may not consider that you have a problem, especially if you surround yourself with others who drink as much as you do. Remember “like attracts like”, and drunken friends often keep problem drinkers in denial of their problem. The truth is, people who can handle alcohol and have a healthy relationship with it, have normally had enough after the second drink!

Is alcohol a problem in your life? Do you, or does a loved one, drink too much? Does your drinking affect those around you? Not sure whether you have a problem?

Common signs and symptoms of alcohol abuse include:

  • Continuing to drink even though your alcohol use is causing problems in your relationships. Getting drunk, for example, even though you know your wife will be very upset, or fighting with your family because they dislike how you act when you drink.
  • Need to drink in order to relax or feel better. Many drinking problems start when people use alcohol to self-soothe and relieve stress. Getting drunk after a stressful day, for example, or reaching for a bottle if you have an argument with your spouse or boss.
  • “Black out” or forget what you did while you were drinking.
  • Lie to others or hide your drinking habits.
  • Repeatedly neglecting your responsibilities at home, work, or school because of your drinking. For example, performing poorly at work, flunking classes, neglecting your kids, or skipping out on commitments because you’re hung over.
  • Using alcohol in situations where it’s physically dangerous, such as drinking and driving, operating machinery while intoxicated, or mixing alcohol with prescription medication against doctor’s orders.
  • Experiencing repeated legal problems on account of your drinking. For example, getting arrested for driving under the influence or for drunk and disorderly conduct.
  • You become verbally or physically abusive after a few drinks.

If your drinking is causing problems in your life, you have a drinking problem. It’s as simple as that!

Silent Treatment (Worst Form Of Emotional Abuse)

The reason I categorise this as “communication” is that “silence often speaks louder than words”! Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the silent treatment, will attest to the fact that this form of communication is extremely damaging and cruel!

The author says: “Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any  ‘uncomfortable’ topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself).”

I concur! Respect yourself enough to recognise that you deserve better, and move on!

Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

Fotolia_42525766_Subscription_XL (Custom)Punishing By Banishing You

The silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence; distance, and ignoring you) is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser’s thoughts.

It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don’t physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser. Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser’s existence without the benefit of closure or a good-bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word … it’s meant to torture someone you profess to love.

No Second Chance

Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment…

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Gratitude can lessen pain

Screen Shot 2016-04-12 at 10.49.56 AMI have been in a bit of a self-pity slump of late, but after my initial ‘oh my god, another day…more pain’ mindset when I woke up this morning, I propelled myself into action, got the kids off to school, and settled in for my morning tea and social media catch-up.

For those who are anti-social media for whatever reason, there is a plus side to it (besides the social side), and that is that you can subscribe to many positive and uplifting pages. It is thanks to one or two positive quotes that popped up on my news feed this morning that I managed to get out of my morning grey fug, and decided to write a quick blog before I start my workday.

Start the day with gratitude for what you have, and your day’s off to a good start.

Instead of the usual negatives, flip over those thoughts and turn them to positives!

• Urgh…another busy, stressful day ahead! You have a job! Be grateful! There are many who don’t know where the next cent is coming from, and would happily trade places with you! If you don’t have a job, get networking…

• Oh no! Traffic again…I hate having to sit in the traffic! You have a car? Lucky you! You have money to put fuel in your car? Nice! Be grateful.

• Do the kids have to bicker about everything? Okay, so you’re perfect? You never get irritable? Aren’t you lucky to have children when many are childless? Aren’t you fortunate to have little beings in your life that love you unconditionally? So, they have their moments, so do you…get over it!

• Winter’s here…it’s cold, and dark when I have to get up for work! Not so long ago you were whining about how hot it was! Enjoy the unique beauty each season brings…before you know it, summer will be back…and so will the flies and mosquitoes you love so much…not!

• I’m tired of being broke! Well, get off your arse, put on your thinking cap, and earn some cash. There is always a way. And STOP spending unnecessarily! THINK before you buy: “Do I really need this?” I read a quote recently: “How to double your money…fold it in half and put it back in your pocket!”

• Make a list of all the things you have to look forward to. A holiday away for the Easter weekend, a friend from out of town coming to visit…if you don’t have anything planned, make a plan! Even if it’s a picnic on the grass, a visit to a friend, half an hour with a good book when you get home…it’s something to look forward to.

• Look at what you have to be grateful for. A roof over your head, a body that works (even if it doesn’t always feel great), food, running water, electricity, family, friends…there’s lots to be grateful for.

Live in the now. My brother said something to me recently that struck a chord…”when are you going to start living life on life’s terms?

We have no control over what other people do, nor can we control a lot of what happens in life. Accept it, and stop trying to control the uncontrollable. Do what you CAN do – make amends – not just by saying you’re sorry, but by rectifying the situation, get motivated and DO what you said you’d do (lack of integrity also causes pain), be nice and do a good deed for someone, spend quality time with your children…and trust that the rest will happen as it should.

 

Four communication fails

I came across a brilliant article titled “Four Signs a Relationship is Failing” on the Forbes website. The four points mentioned by Travis Bradberry are extremely pertinent to effective communication, but I would prefer that they be used as warnings of potential pitfalls to be avoided in business or personal relationships, rather than the negative association with a broken relationship.

It was revealed in many studies that success in life hinges more on healthy emotional intelligence than on a high IQ, and the good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned! If you are aware that you have any of these nasty habits, it may be time that you replace them with new ones.

Criticism – don’t criticise; instead give constructive feedback. Here it needs to be mentioned that constructive feedback should not be personal, and should focus on what the person does, rather than his or her character.

Defensiveness – Denying responsibility, making excuses, meeting one complaint with another, an aggressive response and other forms of defensiveness prevent a conflict from reaching any sort of resolution and can be extremely destructive to any kind of relationship. Defensiveness increases the anxiety and tension experienced by both parties, and this makes it difficult to resolve issues that need attending to.

Stonewalling – this happens when one person shuts the discussion down by refusing to respond. Examples of stonewalling include the silent treatment, being emotionally distant or devoid of emotion, and ignoring the other person completely.

Contempt – stems from a lack of interest in the other person. If your disinterest is unavoidable and the relationship is one that you cannot stay away from – a family member or co-worker – you need to focus on finding common ground. Emotionally intelligent people are able to see the benefit of connecting with many different people, even those they are not fond of.

Here’s to effective communication!

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